A Complicated Reaction
I’ve blogged a few times before about this pesky ulnar nerve problem I’m having. The ulnar nerve runs along the length of your arm, from fingertips to shoulder. And mine is…well…irritated. Which is not a good thing. I was recently tested to see if there’s any conduction issues with it, and I came back showing a mild disturbance, which means I may need surgery to decompress it. My doctor isn’t exactly sure why I have this issue, but he has mentioned several times that people with diabetes are at a higher risk for this it. Awesome.
One thing that has helped alleviate the irritation is massage. I know, I know, it sounds like a ridiculous excuse to splurge on a luxury, but really and truly, it’s one of the few things that has a lasting effect. So yesterday evening, after my crazy weekend that had left my shoulders and back in knots, I went to get a massage. I went through my usual spiel about my pump and how most therapists work around it and it’s for diabetes and blah blah blah. The therapist seemed a little surprised by my plastic attachments, but he went about his work. He started on my non-robot side (I happen to have both my CGM sensor and pump pod on the same side ride now), and when he switched over to my gadget real estate, I joked “now you’re on the cyborg side of my body.” He laughed, a bit nervously, so I said “I know they’re a little funny looking, but they really make life a lot easier.”
“So, are you on dialysis then?” was his response.
Scraaaaaaaatch goes the record. Dialysis? WTF?? Who’s talking about KIDNEY FAILURE for crying out loud!? Not me, that’s for damn sure. Dialysis? Who is this guy?
So that was my initial reaction. Then I checked myself, took a deep meditative breath of the aromatherapy-infused room and explained that no, I wasn’t on dialysis and my pump has nothing to do with that. It holds and delivers insulin so that I don’t have to take it via injection. He seemed to understand and eventually my heart rate came down and I went back to enjoying my massage. It was just another person who doesn’t know much about diabetes, making an honest comment about his perception.
Reflecting back on the conversation, I realized that his comment was the least offensive thing that occured in that interaction. My reaction was the most. Because in my mind, I had gone straight to judging - thinking in my head “how dare he think of me as some poor soul on DIALYSIS, which is a horrible diabetic complication that I don’t have and won’t ever get because I take care of myself….”
Hold the phone. I was there, technically, getting a diabetic complication treated. My ulnar nerve issues are caused in part by the fact that I have diabetes. Regardless of the fact that I take good care of my diabetes, I still have some complications, and that doesn’t mean that I’m not trying my best or that I deserve them. Just the same as people with retinopathy, kidney failure, or neuropathy never asked for these crappy complications, and have to do the best their equipped to do once they have them. Judge not, is the phrase that came to mind. Here I am laid out on the table with a nerve problem, taking offense to the mention of a complication that unfortunately, could hit any one of us just because we happen to have diabetes.
No one with diabetes wants complications. That is a universal truth. Even those patients that we perceive to be careless and hopeless when it comes to their diabetes management do not want complications. And we never know what “trying their best” really means until we’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes. It’s dependent on resources, education, money, and a host of other factors. And even for those of us that take exceptional care of the big D, there always looms the possibility of complications simply because that’s the risk we have with this disease. But all folks deserve a chance to live well at any stage in their diabetes. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that.
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I think what annoys me most is that I can have great control but STILL get complications. Last checkup, I mentioned to my doctor that my blood pressure was higher than I’d ever seen it. Now I’m on an ACE inhibitor, which my doctor didn’t prescribe for me earlier because my blood pressure was so low.
I complained to my sister, “I’ve NEVER had hypertension. If it’s a complication why did it take so long to show up?” Then she told me that complications sometimes take a while to show up. Luckily, I kept the receipt for my diabetes, so I can return it anytime…now where did I put that receipt?