The undershare.
It was one of those perfect summer nights - nice and warm but with a breeze that keeps it pleasant. It couldn’t have been a better night for a dinner on a friend’s patio. As we sat down to dine with a large group of friends and extended friends, someone I didn’t know well saw me plunk down my pump controller and CGM. She asked what it was and I explained that I have Type 1 diabetes and those were the devices that I use to help control things. Her response poured out of her, like she couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out.
“Oh my gosh my best friend from growing up has a son and he’s the nicest guy but he seriously just doesn’t take care of himself and he’s actually already blind from diabetes, can you believe that he was diagnosed when he was really little and he’s just always been awful about his care and he just can’t seem to win with it and so now he’s blind and has all sorts of other health problems and it’s just such a tragedy you know and I tell my friend all the time she has to try and help him but yeah I just couldn’t believe that he’s blind and so sick and dealing with all that you know?”
I took it all in. Took a deep breath.
“It sounds like he’s had a lot of challenges with his diabetes. There’s so many barriers to good care you know? Could be social, could be economic, could be-”
She cuts me off. “Oh no he’s had access to good care and the best doctors and they have a ton of money so it’s not that, he just, I don’t know he just doesn’t take care of himself. He’ll probably lose a leg soon if…”
She seemed to realize how it all sounded in that moment. She changed the subject to the weather. I smiled and moved on too. I wonder if she thought it was strange that I wasn’t blind or limbless or that I was drinking a glass of red wine and planned on dessert that night too? Who knows. I didn’t dwell on it. Not on that summer night anyways.
A few weeks later, a call from a friend came in. Her mom was sick. Breast cancer. It wasn’t looking good. The words tumbled out from her mouth too. She just wanted to get it out. Just wanted someone to listen. I’ve been through that one too. Breast cancer with a parent. My story didn’t have a happy ending. I can relate to her issue, but not in a good way. Not in a helpful way that would be encouraging to share anyway. My mind flashed to the dinner party. To how it felt to be compared to someone else’s only story about a disease. I waited, let her finish.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through that,” I told her. “How lucky that you mom has you there to help her. What a wonderful gift to be able to give her. When do you go see her next?”
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