Reading into the numbers.
The numbers on the dash read:
94
28
384
411
I know that these are the radio station, the average MPG, the range left in my tank, and the time, in that order. But before my brain registers any of these things having to do with a car, all I can think is “good blood sugar, scary low blood sugar, really crappy blood sugar, and REALLY crappy blood sugar….”
With diabetes we are told to live by that number. It dictates what we do next, how we feel about ourselves, how we act towards others – even what we think about the future . It can be near impossible to simply “take information” from the number and not read into it. Follow the rules, carb count, take your insulin, and things will be fine, we’re told. But it’s so not that simple. The number of times I’ve done everything “right” and still been karate-chopped by diabetes is too high to count after 22 years.
I will say, you do get pretty darn good with numbers with this disease. Carb counts, A1cs, milligrams per deciliter galore – it’s all a numbers game. It’s no wonder that everything in your life starts to remind you of a blood glucose meter.
A customer told me today that one of his patients has an out of control A1c – double digits – and he didn’t feel like he could help him. He noted that he felt like basically, the patient had decent control for a long time but got tired one day. And instead of taking a day off and then getting back on track, the patient had taken a year off, and had yet to find the track again. I’ll just say, for the record: I freaking GET IT dude. This disease wears you out. And sometimes you feel like “for what?” The “for what” varies from person to person, and day by day. I’ve had my motivation to control blood sugars come down to the very fact that I just want to have a good night’s sleep for once. Just
The long term “for what” is harder of course. And really, the whole goal of managing diabetes for me, is to live as normal a life as possible. And by normal, I mean being as free to dream, to do, to explore, to create, to change my mind, to travel, to exist just as the next person.
And hopefully to one day really just see the numbers on the dash for exactly what they are.
When you see numbers, does your mind go to BGs first, before any where else? And do you get a little twinge when it’s a “bad” number, like I do?
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Comments
The numbers that drive me crazy are 65-100, 58-105, 340-225, 120-64. These are the wonderful discrepancies between my CGM and my blood glucose meter. Especially in the first 24 hours when it keeps waking me up to tell me I’m low when I’m not.
I don’t take the numbers personally; it’s the damn diabetes fault. Do you blame a cancer patient for their hair falling out after chemo? I do get perturbed when I have no good book to read during those fifteen minute periods of waiting to be recharged after a low.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a random number and thought of diabetes. Not in that order.
I do, however, get unusually excited about perfect numbers. 99 or 100 with a horizontal arrow? That makes me happy. On the other hand, I think I’ve had everything between 20 and 500 displayed in the last few years, so while I notice those, I tend not to fret about it. I get annoyed, sure, but usually the culprit is relatively easy to spot (especially for those values _way_ out of whack. I don’t get my 400s by a standard dinner :)).
Floh - there is nothing I love more than an even 100mg/dL! Its my favorite to see on the screen.
Tim - 100% agree - not our fault but so, so annoying. Also, I like the idea of reading for those 15 minutes - maybe I should get a “low” book to help pass the time - although please don’t quiz me on any details of the book, they will not be retained if all read low.
Rich - that’s the battle right there - not “can you take the medication and do the exercise and eat right?” The question is really “Can you do this for th next 35 years?” THat’s the hard part. But you are doing amazing! And, we have matching A1cs right now! A1c twins - is that thing? Well it is now…
I’ve been consciously trying to better control T2 diabetes. Healthy diet, more time riding the bicycle, weekly Pilates class, reduce waist fat, more frequent BG testing, reducing stress when possible … Just got back my latest lab work - A1C of 5.8, all the blood lipids in the wonderful range. So the ‘good ‘ numbers made me feel great … for an hour. Then back to the ‘real’ world where it’s a daily commitment to manage this, one bite at a time, one pedal stroke after another. And so for the next 35 years as well.