Managing Feelings.
I’m always rooting for my peeps. If you have diabetes, I’m already a friend of yours because I think that all of us have a seriously sucky job that no one signed up for. And I’m especially a fan of thriving with this this disease, and doing the best we all can to stave off those dark and looming complications.
So when a friend of mine with diabetes posted about her recent eye exam and happily reported that 10 years in to living with diabetes her doctor had found no complications, I was surprised to find myself feeling…something other than happy for her. I mean, I was definably happy for her on one level, but I also felt…jealous? Angry? I’m not really sure what the emotion was.
All I know is that I realized that I too used to be in the “complication-free” category, and I had managed to keep that status for two decades. But it was in my 20th year of living with T1 that a doctor first noticed a speck of retinopathy in the back of one eye. And two years later it was tiny specks in each eye. Seeing her post felt so defeating in a way, because even though I am trying my damnedest to take optimal care of myself with this disease, you don’t get points for trying with diabetes. The truth is that many of us who maintain a good A1c and put in a ton of effort will still wind up with some form of complications. To say that diabetes is a bit unfair would be the understatement of the year. How about unfair, not motivating, un-inspiring, and total bull$&%*?Yeah, I think that sums it up a bit better.
Of course in my heart I am so happy for my friend, and I will always be on Team Kick Diabetes Butt. But as my tenure with this disease grows, it can be hard to reign in my resentment over working so hard and still being punished for it. These are feelings I know I will always have to deal with, and I am certain they will intensify when Jacob and I have children one day and I then layer a whole new slab of Diabetes Guilt on things. It surprised (and horrified) me that I could feel anything but happy for my friend and her complication-free status. Although I know that was the diabetes voice talking and not the real me, I felt ashamed for even letting it cross my mind.
Do you all ever feel jealous when someone seems to be doing better with their diabetes than you are in the moment? And do you let yourself feel it or do you shovel it under the carpet?
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Comments
Ah.. but what was your blood glucose at the time of your feelings of jealousy? You can always (at a later time) pull the “out of jail free” card and say “I only felt resentment because my sugars were a bit low!”.
I know I do, when I get home and need to clean up stuff the little monster has left lying around. Get mad, shout, then say “oh oops - that was just my low. I really like you, really..”
Works every time. And does wonders for my mental health 
I think it’s very brave of you to admit those feelings.
I know I’ve had them too, and in this case I vote for shoveling them under the carpet. First because the person telling me of his/her achievement has earned to be proud of it and to get my full suppport in that. And I don’t want to compromise that. Second, because I don’t think it would help - sometimes a thought is just a thought. And this is a stupid one, I know it, so I don’t want to give it any more room than necessary.
Maybe this is a kind of head-in-sand mentality, which is not usually healthy. But for me, this is the exception that confirms the rule.
Btw. I’m back from Indonesia and I still owe you a mail on that.
I have most definitely felt guilty and depressed when others talk about how many years they’ve had D without complications… I still harbor some ill feelings, apparently, as I think about this. Unfortunately that jealousy and self-guilt definitely comes out against others who are fortunate enough!
I have my optometrist appt coming up next week… I sure hope those damn hemorrhages haven’t changed at all 
<3
Feelings are real-but they are not necessarily reality. Denying we HAVE these feelings is crazy and harmful. For a few areas in my life, I have a hard time taking that advice. But with my diabetes, it’s not a problem.
I don’t have diabetes because of anything I’ve done. I am going to make mistakes treating myself over the years (because I am human), but that STILL doesn’t mean it’s my fault if something goes wrong. Any endo or healthcare professional that said out loud what I think of myself at times would incur the “Wrath of Tim” and rightly so. If those words are inappropriate from someone else, why should I say them to myself?
Those of us who have this disease understand that it is maddening and relentless and we’re all &^%$ing tired of it. All that said, I will still have to deal with it. Today. And every today. Give yourself a break. Especially because diabetes doesn’t give YOU one!