I’m frustrated. This shouldn’t be news to anyone who is also living with this disease, because really, this is something we all say pretty much every day. This disease makes no sense in general, but lately it seems to be ever more obnoxious than usual (if that’s possible).
I’m having that feeling that many of us get with each passing year of “well, THIS didn’t used to be a problem for me.” I used to have A1cs in the sixes. In fact, it had almost been 10 years since I’d had anything above a 6.7% And then I went to Asia and back on MDI for three months and changed time zones every other week and things went up quite a bit. But I expected that I would bring things down just as quickly as they had gone up. I thought just give me three months, I’ll be back in the sixes and humming along with my normal routine. But then we moved, and planned a wedding, and I stressed about getting a job and insurnace and things weren’t so easy to reign in. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve dropped my A1c by .8% since I’ve been back. But it’s STILL not back in the sixes where I was just one year ago. And I feel like a broken record saying that it will get better, that I just need to tighten things up a little more.
I’m trying ot be patient. I set my CGM to alarm to beep at 150mg/dL instead of my usual 180mg/dL, in an effort to get to correct things more quickly. I’ve slashed carbs and tried to squeeze in more workouts, even when I’m exhausted. But when I do a three month dump of my CGM data, I can clearly see that my BGs are still averaging 163mg/dL over 90 days. Which means my next A1c will be right where it was last time – at 7.2%. I feel like I keep asking myself, what’s changed? Why is this so much harder that it felt just a year ago? Is it getting older? Is it my stress level? Am I getting rusty at this whole diabetes thing?
I don’t know what the answer is. I do know that I have to keep trying but today, I couldn’t be more over it. I don’t want to basal test. I don’t want to re-evaulate my carb count. I don’t want get up five days a week at 4am so I can squeeze in my workouts (especially because it’s snowing in Portland right now – what the eff?!) I just….don’t. I want to focus on work, and my husband, and my dog, and my friends, and that new Cuban restaurant down the street. I don’t want to deal with having diabetes today.
But like a houseguest that overstays their welcome, I know this ain’t going anywhere. In times like these, I take a day off. I let myself have some crummy numbers for a day. I have pasta. I have a glass of wine. I half-ass the carb count. I try to be kind to myself and remind myself that no one invited diabetes in the first place but that it’s here to stay and that some days will be easier than others.
And then, I get up the next day and just try to do better. That’s all you can do -and how lucky are we to have tomorrow to try again. Not everyone gets that. Today though, I’m taking a diabetes snow day. Someone hit the snooze button!